BossMan Action Figure - Owner's Manual
Congratulations – you are now the proud owner of the most commanding and powerful plastic superhero ever created. With the help of this manual we will help you manage and motivate your mini plastic boss, and learn how to take proper care of your BossMan Action Figure.
- BossMan Origins
- Important Considerations of BossMan Ownership
- Activities to Share with your BossMan
- Behavior and Social Habits
- Housing and Habitat
- Feeding Instructions
- Breeding: Courtship to Copulation
- Special Care
- The Great Recycling Bin in the Sky
- Final Note
Fast forward a few million years to the sprouting of factories in the industrial age, with huge numbers of workers tending to mammoth machines. Modern management theory got its start from this early capitalist chaos, as bosses learned to balance the need for profit with the needs of their workers.
In recent times bosses have survived the trials of Total Quality Management, put their best practices to work for the Cult of Shareholder Value and still found time for Business Process Reengineering.
While humans have changed over time we continue to rely on the management of a brave few that magically turn problems into challenges and lead us to evolve into better beings.
These modern alpha-types are codenamed… BossMan.
Important Considerations of BossMan Ownership
All BossMan Owners, whether you’re a high ranking executive, a slightly lesser but equally vital middle manager, supervisor or team lead, or a highly valued employee, belong to a sacred trust – the future prosperity of both managers and the managed. As such, you should be careful not subject BossMan to any situation or activity that is not befitting a manager of his rank. This includes exposing him to shareholders for an unreasonably long period of time, selling him for parts, or practicing your surgical skills.
Motivation and Mentoring
Want to give your team the gift of constant motivation? Can’t be at all places at once to mentor all those in need of your wisdom and experience? With BossMan at their desk your staff can anticipate the support and sage advice you would share if you were standing over their shoulder.
Stand-in for Meetings and Play Days
Too many meetings and strategy sessions that go on forever? Appoint BossMan as your official representative and head out to the links. His bossy vibes will motivate your staff while giving you some well deserved R&R. Note - BossMan also makes an excellent mini plastic underling!
Stress rising? Problems coming out of the woodwork? Assign BossMan to the task. Instead of asking people to ‘tell it to the hand’, ask them to ‘tell it to BossMan’. It’s hard to justify arguing with a 6-inch plastic action figure, unless you’re in a straightjacket.
Need some support and encouragement? Your BossMan, due to the fact that he’s entirely composed of inert plastic, is an excellent listener. If you need to confess your managerial sins BossMan will listen intently without interrupting or voicing his opinion.
For Highly Valued Employees:
Is today a good day to ask for a raise or is it better to hide in your cubicle? Equip BossMan with the appropriate face to match your boss’s mood and warn colleagues what they’re up against.
Feel lonely when the boss is out of the office? Missing someone micromanaging and standing over your shoulders? Promote BossMan to honorary big cheese and it’s almost business as usual. Clients and colleagues may wonder why your manager suddenly got shorter, but they’ll be quickly won over with his neato new demeanor.
Face Time Practice
Want a trial run of your next performance review? Need to get something off your chest? Practice with BossMan first - his inherent silence makes sure you get the last word, while his diminutive stature helps build confidence. You can even change BossMan’s mood as appropriate to practice potential bossy scenarios.
First Impression Maker
Impress first dates, co-workers, new business contacts and your bank manager with the powerful company you keep by introducing them to your good friend BossMan. A guaranteed conversation starter!
Management Stress Management
Get an urge to yell at your boss? Need to manage your management stress? BossMan’s ready and willing to help with your ‘treatments’… just try to limit your cathartic release to the verbal type (no sticks or stones please).
And, why not play with your BossMan? He’s a toy, after all… most of all, have fun!
Behavior and Social Habits
BossMan, like other bosses is a highly competitive, extroverted animal who’s most happy when leading and managing others. Lower bosses typically can be found managing small teams ranging from a single individual to a dozen or more, while bigger bosses rule herds of workers in the hundreds or thousands. When younger bosses mature they either rise in rank and gain larger groups or leave and join another company.
Bosses belong to strong hierarchical societies and are highly territorial. When one manager locks horns with another the outcome is driven by a combination of rank and seniority, though other factors can also play a role. For example, bosses frequently establish short-term alliances within their corporate community in order to compete for dominance, resources and capital budgets with other bosses.
Sometimes managers use ‘boss-speak’, a strange language of jargon and euphemisms. In boss-speak it’s possible to “table an item” to “look outside the box” for “core competencies” and “dynamic synergies” to “add value” and create “enterprise efficiency”. (If you don’t know what this means, please ask your nearest boss to help decode it for you!)
While most active during the workday BossMan and his bossy brethren are known to make considerable demands of their flock on evenings and weekends.
Housing and Habitat
While BossMan is primarily a terrestrial creature, his preferred nesting location is a corner office perched high in an office tower, complete with an open door. From the home office BossMan roams the corridors and boardrooms of his realm, conducting meetings and blamestorming.
Senior bosses’ territories are guarded by executive assistants, who carefully screen and watch over their protectees. Managers unable to negotiate their own corner office frequently live in common cubicles surrounded and guarded by their workers.
As BossMan occupies the top tiers in the corporate food chain he’s predominantly an omnivore, dining on whatever suits his fancy. During the workday BossMan and other bosses can be found hunting at executive lunches or leisurely coffee breaks. They’re also known to forage for food from the office fridge and the morning box of doughnuts. Bosses often supplement their diet with expensive meals at swanky restaurants.
Breeding: Courtship to Copulation
Like most managers, BossMan’s courtship rituals usually begin at exclusive parties and golf outings, through connections with well placed contacts or at executive retreats. Managers show off their power and prestige through displays of expensive clothing, gadgets and bossy bling. When an initial connection is made the romantic negotiations begin.
Unfortunately, due to the unknown nature of action figure breeding we can’t delve into the details of how BossMan copulates. However, the only certain method of creating cloned offspring of BossMan is to return to the retail outlet you acquired him from, and request another.
Note that most of BossMan’s muscles are in his head, his ego, and his team. As such he can only be subjected to a certain amount of weight before he becomes pancakified. No, he can’t personally lift small cars or leap over tall buildings. But he can order his team to brainstorm a solution to both ‘challenges’, chair meetings and issue memos, and reward success through an innovative performance bonus structure.
While some of the other superhero action figures may be envious of BossMan’s managerial powers they’ll soon come under his bossy spell. Make sure you keep BossMan’s weapons of management might handy so that he can guard against unenthusiastic staff or bouts of involuntary retirements.
While BossMan and his bossy brethren are hardy beings, they’re vulnerable to those things outside of their control. Please be careful not to upset their native environment, habits or egos.
The Great Recycling Bin in the Sky
If, for any reason BossMan should end his managerial mission, please bid him fond farewell and recycle both his package and his body so that his spirit can rest in peace. Visit www.happyworker.com/recycle/ for more information.
We at Happy Worker thank you for adopting your BossMan, and for supporting the propagation of the boss species. We’re counting on your help in the brave crusade to reach management’s objectives and corporate perfection.
We wish you and your BossMan a lifetime of fun and happiness!